There’s nothing like seeing your first novel all planned out on a one-page year at a glance calendar. This relatively recent purchase is helping me to see that my first draft is due in two weeks and that I should release the first part (out of five) of the serialized novel on June 30. I don’t feel as nervous as I thought I would, especially considering that I’ve started and stopped multiple full-length projects in the past. I’m more prepared for this one, and I’ve had a better plan from the beginning. It’s exciting. It’s a little frightening, but I believe I’m the right man for the write job.
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It’s time ladies and gentlemen, to finish up this epic tale of Jell-O. Enjoy!
Ms. Kitty and Mr. Cohen, Part III
Dave and Sean, the Random Insanity guys, whisked me away from the pack to the other side of The Pit. They had a Laurel and Hardy vibe, with Dave serving as the skinner of the two. They were former students who went around town causing havoc as part of their cable-access show. Dave was most known in town for dressing up like a superhero and paying off expired parking meters. Sean on the other hand, drew his notoriety from getting his unmentionables pierced as a segment on the show. If that’s a way to live forever in people’s minds, maybe immortality wasn’t worth it.
Dave led me over to Miss Kitty’s side. It looked like she would be my opponent. I awkwardly put my arm around her when I saw Dave and Sean starting to take some pictures. Behind us, the crowd was beginning to swell. There were now at least 100 people gathered and ready to watch whatever was about to transpire.
“Is this your first time?” Miss Kitty asked.
I looked at her face, though I had trouble keeping myself from glancing down at her cleavage. She was more heavily made-up than I realized. That didn’t take away from her very fit and well-proportioned physique.
“Wrestling, no. I wrestled in high school.”
In fact, ever since I’d found out I’d be the one in the kiddy pool, I began forming a plan for the match in my mind. Some men might be figuring out how to best get their hands all over Miss Kitty’s body. Not me. I was more concerned with figuring out exactly how I was going to win.
“Take it easy on me, I’m only 18,” she said.
I pegged Miss Kitty’s actual age at around 23. I wondered how long she’d been in the “entertainment” industry.
The next few minutes went by at a rapid clip. Sean handed Miss Kitty her “uniform,” as she went in the limo to change. I ran over to Eric to give him my socks, shoes and fleece jacket. Looking down at my khakis, I realized they’d be pretty much ruined by what was about to occur. When Miss Kitty emerged from the limo, my teenage brain exploded. She was wearing a black string bikini with a matching thong. The crowd cheered as I gulped. She walked over and put her arm around me again.
“Just stick to the plan,” I thought.
Dave fired up the crowd for a few seconds before running over to the two of us.
“Get in the pit and try to love someone!” he said, as he waved us over to the kiddy pool. A man I hadn’t noticed before was dressed as a referee and stood next to the pool. He had an Oscar Meyer weiner whistle and made a lewd remark to the two of us as we stepped into the slimy substance. It was cold, and my second thoughts were having second thoughts.
“Get on your knees,” the referee said.
I paused for a moment, expecting to be able to stay in my wrestler’s stance and keep my khakis relatively unscathed. When Miss Kitty complied with the official’s instructions, I did the same. The crowd let out a large “ooh” of anticipation. Before I could ever truly be ready, the referee blew his weiner whistle and Miss Kitty pulled my head directly into her breasts.
I was a nice guy nerd in high school. I dated one girl and the two of us were mostly chaste. I didn’t expect my first direct encounter with a part of the female body, for which I continue to hold great esteem, to be in front of 100 of my peers. I should have taken more time to enjoy it. Instead, my match plan kicked in. As the crowd shouted in support, I prepared to complete a move called a fireman’s carry. I grabbed around her shoulder with one arm and put my other arm around her thigh to lift her into the air. Miss Kitty shrieked as I tossed her up and back first into the Jell-O. The crowd went absolutely crazy.
After letting her get up, she was covered in the slippery half-liquid. I tried to grab around her legs again, but I couldn’t get a good grip. I locked my arms together despite the stickiness and lifted. When I placed her gently on her back and prepared for the pin, the crowd grew quiet.
The moment was truly immortalized on the front page of The Chapel Hill News the following morning. The cheering crowd, Dave and Sean firing everybody up, Miss Kitty’s leg up in the air as I prepared for the pin and a campus security guard storming toward the kiddy pool. Miss Kitty tapped me on the shoulder. When I got up and turned around, the security guard spooked me.
“Could I get in trouble for this?” I wondered.
I didn’t, but I did ruin my clothes. My shirt only sustained a few purple droplets, but my pants were completely soaked. As the security guard and some university officials talked with Dave, I heard Sean tell the crowd, “They’re both winners on Random Insanity!”
The crowd started to disperse and Miss Kitty got my attention.
“Hey, I have this for you.”
She handed me a wallet-size glamour shot. She was on her knees on a couch with a white feature boa covering parts of her body. The boa was missing a few key areas.
“Thanks,” I said.
And that was the last I saw of Miss Kitty.
A few months later when the episode aired, a friend and I went to a fraternity house and taped it on a VHS. The segment only took a minute and a half, but the story has lasted me much longer. I transferred the video to digital and kept Miss Kitty’s photo in my wallet as a visual aid. I tried to look up Dave and Sean a few years back to re-connect, but my attempts to find them were unsuccessful. They’d moved on from the Random Insanity, but the craziest years of my life were just beginning.
Top Image Flickr Creative Commons Wrestling-8647 by David Hunt
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